dear pati
in the last 6 months, so many things have gone wrong and we have all met so many losses. but my first two losses, thatha and you, are what keep coming back to me. every time i get news of a new loss, my first thought is to call you and speak to you and thatha. i feel i always will get some kind of answer or consolation if i speak to you. whenever appa or amma haven’t answered my questions, you have been my means of trying to understand what is going on around me. even though you would never sit me down and explain it to me like appa does, you had a way of telling me things that nobody i know does – whether it was just through silent gestures or by urging me to continue focusing on my work. thatha also never said anything; he would just make me lie down with my head in his lap and try to pat me to sleep. although i found it a little strange, i realise now the comfort it gave me and how much i miss it.
today when people were coming to bid thyagu periappa his final farewell, i wanted to ask you so many things. i wanted to know why this is happening to us and so frequently; i wanted you to tell me that this is just a test and better times would follow; i wanted you to prepare me for the others that are to follow. i felt a guilt bubble up inside me as i started keeping count of the losses we’ve had and those that are to come. it was almost as if i was waiting for this stampede of losses to pass, hoping that we would be left with calmer spaces once all of this is over. but never for a second have i been able to imagine that calm space without you and thatha.
a few weeks back, i had a dream. we were all on a strange planet – a lot of it looked like iit home – and there was a beach with very calm waters. it was near about sunset and you, thatha and i were sitting on the sand and watching the sunset. the sky was a beautiful orange and its warmth seemed to reach out to us. i felt a glow of contentment and fulfillment inside. i don’t remember the last time you and thatha sat down on the ground. but it felt somewhat reassuring that there were no chairs, no walkers and no walking sticks anywhere in the vicinity of where we were. you wore your red and black polka dotted sari and thatha was wearing his usual white kurta and light brown coloured pants.
when i woke up, it was the middle of the night and i was in a daze because of my sleepiness. i tried my best to stay awake for a while and write down what i dreamt, but i dozed off to sleep before i even knew it. i feel bad that i couldn’t remember more of the dream than what i told you – i feel i’m letting go of everything that i can remember you with. i look at photographs of you, of us and i regret that i don’t have any photographs of you and thatha before i came to bombay, that i never felt the need to keep them. i also often find myself looking through these photographs for my own picture with you. and since i was the one clicking the photographs, i was never in front of the camera with you as i’d have liked it to be. i constantly feel that i have fewer tangible memories of you and i fear those that are there might fade away soon.
but it felt good today to meet sv mama today. it was only then that i realised how much he reminded me of you – the way he talked, his mannerisms, his frown… it made me realise that there are more things than photographs, better things, that will never let me forget you. i don’t like it that i keep thinking of you knowing that you’re not there anymore. but it keeps me going that you are someone who is so important to me and who loved me so much. i wish both you and thatha could have waited a little longer.
miss you lots, pati.
